As a few of you know I'm knee deep in the job search.
I figure this is a good time to get something up for a web presence.
I'm now on LinkedIn and Twitter. I now keep a wordpress blog.
I figured teenage angst really does not need to come back up again.
But I will still be updating this one and I read everything over here anyways. Who needs an RSS reader when I have LJ to do it for me?
I'm just not around much. The job search has taken a lot out of me.
I always want to know the next step and be ready for it. I always want to do well and know that I am one of the best. I cannot do that right now and it is one of the most stressful, frustrating things in my life.
"This cause of exploration and discovery is not an option we choose. It is a desire written in the human heart. We are that part of creation which seeks to understand all creation. We find the best among us, send them forth into unmapped darkness and pray they will return. They go in peace for all mankind. And all mankind is in their debt." - George W. Bush. February, 2003.
I don't think there is much that can be said.
Here's to you Apollo 1, Challenger, and Columbia. God Speed and God Bless.
"Your doing great. You have a lot to be proud of and your ONLY 22. You've done more in your 22 years than a lot of people do in a life time. "
If so, then why do I feel like I'm still four?
I mostly still feel like I'm trying to figure out my place in the world. Sometimes learning is still playtime, others it is like time out. I want to keep it like playtime for as long as possible. I also still have a lot of dreamer left in me.
It is still hard to believe how much I’ve done, but I feel there is a lot to go. I still have a world to change and a mark to leave. How I’m leaving that mark is a question I still have to answer. Someone on campus last semester one said to us “what is the question you are meant to answer”. That one I’m still figuring out.
May the next trip around the sun be as good as the last 22.
“…But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, 35 years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas?
We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too…” – JFK, Speech at Rice University, 1962.
My dreams are hard to accomplish; I’ve started to take this as a fact. Nothing has ever come easily, and things that do tend to never be the best fit. I thrive on challenge. I thrive on being around people who are smarter than I am and challenge me to rise up to their level. I thrive on space flight. My head is stuck somewhere in low earth orbit, and it is happy there. The challenge of engineering for those environments is amazing. It’s a giant puzzle that may or may not have an answer, but has to be worked around and dealt with. Few people have had to be concerned with the fact that latch up and inrush currents look remarkably similar. Radiation can hose you, as can an off nominal power supply. If something breaks, there is no repairing it. Best of luck if you have spacecraft charging and happened to have an accidental ground loop. It keeps you on your toes, keeps you running, thinking. There is never a dull moment. It all comes up to a moment when you hit initiate on a launch sequence which could end everything in under a minute. Years of work gone up in smoke with only “what if” and “why’ remaining.
I’ve come to the realization the past few weeks that nothing keeps me engaged like space. I don’t care now if it’s a spacecraft or launch vehicle. Other engineering seems, well, too grounded. There is no challenge. There is no larger puzzle to fit together. There are no moments of truth on top of a flame throwing beast, and hours later over head. It comes down to getting things right the first time, and figuring out what can go wrong.
This is why I refuse to give up on a job in the space industry. It currently has me flat on my face. Opportunities for EE’s abound if you look hard enough. (~60 job applications in at the moment) Yet they still don’t fit. I’ve been forced to become OK with working for a defense contractor; I am just making sure I do not get myself into a position where I aid in directly bringing harm to others (building missiles). I keep searching for that one job I know will fit and will keep me challenged with an environment that will not destroy me. It’s likely in R&D somewhere, working on small spacecraft. Where it is at the moment, I couldn’t tell you. How I’ll get it, I also don’t know. I finally got family behind me this week (well, the ones who count) to allow me to press for that one space job that I will completely fall in love with but that tells me nothing more than keep searching. I don’t know where I’ll live, nor when I’ll know this fact. Yet I do know one thing, one little tiny thing:
To the organization that has made me a dreamer, happy, happy birthday.
50 years ago on July 29th NASA was signed into existence. 50 years ago today, NASA really got off the ground.
I thank them for Apollo and their dreams. I also hope the next 50 years will reflect the passion which I know is held in many of their engineers and scientists.
Title: Get A Job Creator: Real Life Studios, Inc. Kickin' Ya out of the Nest Suckah Division. Ages: Aimed at 21+ Features: Real life experiences, travel to exotic locations (like Owego, NY, Goodyear, AZ and King of Prussia, PA), and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself Availability: Colleges and universities everywhere; free with senior year enrollment
Description: Level 1 features such things as making a resume and how to get yourself laughed at in corporate America. Level 2 progresses to the cover letter which can be an insurmountable hurdle for perfectionists. Once level 3 has been reached, it is time to start taking in more information that ever thought possible, and searching under every rock. Increasing time spent at this level may force players to want resort to paper airplane applications, smoke signals, begging, or bribery. All of which are frowned upon.
Once an interview has finally been secured, level 4 has been reached and the ability to travel to exotic locations will be granted. Booking these 'vacations' however must be accomplished after slaying the dragons that are the corporate booking system and scheduling nightmare that is senior year. Class assignments will pop-up with Murphy's law probability as needed to hinder the ease of travel. During the travel level, Murphy's law will again be applied as needed. Once successfully at the destination and on to level 5, stupid sentences will be injected into conversation if things are going too well, as will social blunders. These come at no extra charge and are fully integrated into the game. The removal of these features will be released as an add-on for purchase at a later date.
After completing level 5, level 6 begins the waiting game. This is likely the least effort of any level, but the hardest to work through. The alcohol required to help many through is not supplied with the game and must be purchased separately and to taste. Reaching level 7 and thus the end of waiting can either send a player back to level 3 and in an infinite loop to continue playing the game, or to continue on with the level.
Level 7 finally breaks the cycle of interviewing, traveling, and trying to beat back Murphy with what is commonly called an "offer". Offers are as elusive as Yankees fans at Fenway Park, but they do happen. (NOTE: Chance of an offer is 1/1e6 unless optional bribery package is purchased) A player can now take one of two options: accept the offer and agree to contractual slavery, or go back to level 3 to find a more agreeable form of slavery. When an offer is accepted the game is over. There is no winner at the Get a Job game since all players exit and begin “Life as Working Peon” another game produced by Real Life Studios.
Get a Job may not be returned, unless it is exchanged for Apply to Grad School or Live in Mom's Basement. If Get a Job is quit, the game reverts to Live in Mom's Basement. Apply to Grad school comes at a cost of $250 for level one, with prices increasing at each additional level, finally reaching $40,000/year when the game ends and "Graduate School" is reached. Live in Mom's Basement is free. Mom's basement will flash nagging screens after six weeks asking a user to either purchase Apply to Grad School or upgrade to Get a Job. Get a Job will also revert to Live In Mom's basement once the date of graduation has passed.
I’m pretty sure some of my experiences this summer resulted from what I’m now calling the perfect storm. I was in a group with guys that when put together acted like they were in a frat. Once they were told this behavior was not appropriate, they got a lot better. One of them did refuse to speak to me for the rest of the summer, but that is his loss. To remind you of the ratios I face: my project group 1:16, my branch 1:30. I’m that one. I think those only added to the problems I faced. There were enough guys around that I made only a tiny dent in the population.
The guys still have their moments. I’ve now learned that a good way to answer the phone is by grunting. Yes, grunting. I’ve also learned that breakfast is eaten at 10 am and takes a half hour, then lunch takes another hour at 12:30, then they get hungry a little while later. Burping is also totally cool at every occasion, as is walking into the office scratching your crotch. I find it funny that none of them can use foul language around me without acting like they’ve offended me. They really should try living with me.
I did talk to the only other female engineer I know here before she disappeared to work on a project and she realized then that there were only two other females in engineering she could name. They were all heads of branches and thus management, not engineers. I didn’t even know the other two. With her gone it got a bit isolating, but I was saved by the one other female on the hallway who is on the administrative side of the division. I went weeks without talking to women at points, and it did get old. Having no role model is a tad tough at points.
I’ve been asked “what guy did this for you”, I’ve had to spend hours trying to track down information I “didn’t need” or that someone else clearly had (actually only the vendor had it and I needed their contact information), I’ve had to stand up for every calculation I make, I’ve been told I can’t tell the guys they are wrong but they can tell me they are wrong any time they want, I’m always the first to be questioned, I’m generally ignored but have almost come to like it, if I stick up for myself then I’m a witch. The list goes on, and half of it is very stubble. It took four weeks for the guys in the building to start talking to me. The first time one did it I almost fell over. Now all the guys, even the ones on my project seem to be ok with me being around. However, look at how long it took.
It’s funny now; I do almost love this place. Yes, being female here sucks sometimes, but I love the work. It’s the type of work that I throw myself into and come out knowing a lot more. It’s hands on, pushing the envelope, and amazing. It frustrates me that I watched the male interns drop right into the social structure of the group and it took me 10 weeks, so right as I’m about to leave I finally fit in, and even then it is slightly questionable. I’m still on the fence about coming back. No place is perfect, but going through this again is not something I look forward to. I am a woman in aerospace and an electrical engineer, and latter makes for few women, but being one of the former means even fewer women. I’ve already started cracking this place, and cracking a new place is not appealing.
To all who have listened to me complain, wine, and generally be grumpy, I’m sorry and thank you. Thank you to those who have pulled me through this summer (Allison, Amy, Ben). One of you continually removed me from the situation when things got bad and welcomed me into your summer adventures. The other two of you acted as voices of experience from both sides of this debacle and kept me going. One of those two continually reminded me that no matter how small I felt here I was very important, and to just keep hanging in there.
And I did hang in there. In four days I’m on an airplane out of here with very mixed feelings about the experience. I’ve learned a lot about engineering, and likely more about me. I know now that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was.
restless